Hi Anita,

Childhood events: I used the wrong wording – I do not “blame” my childhood or my mother (repeated very young abandonment). I own and am totally responsible for my feelings. I had plenty of validation (e.g. what happened was bad, it’s normal to feel that way, you’re okay) and exercises that re-lived the events, but looking back the work was “easy” as I did not experience much emotion, nor was I suppressing any. I can mentally go back there any time I want and I feel nothing.

Over the 11 years since I stopped drinking, I have read dozens of books on allsorts, and have become very self-aware and also skilled in areas of self-therapy. Which is why I knew I had to quickly end my last post as part of my head was going back to my marriage breakup. I’ve realised I have deliberately (or sub-consciously) kept my mind away from the breakup. When I tentatively poke a finger now in that morass I start to feel that anxiety that says “stop now or you’ll regret this”. My (new) wife is away for a long weekend and while I cannot do psychoanalysis with her (with the added reason that because it is about a marriage breakup), I can do self-therapy when she is around, as she is a psychoanalyst and knows how to dig me out of a pschodynamic hole I may fall into.

Where I am at the moment is knowing where to start. In other words, when I am not in any grieving process, how do I get back to some point where I can actually grieve? Can I skip some things as it was 20 years ago? I can quite easily get depressed or fearful, but do I need to “make myself depressed” to process? As I said, I do suffer PTSD and am on some medications which vastly help, but I want to get off the meds and recover properly (so I can get a job!). As Sylvia pointed out there are therapeutic methods which “may” help (I’ve studied them) but that kind of therapy I am sure would never be available via the UKs NHS, and as I am on benefits cannot afford such help myself, so I have to do my own work.

Ian.