Dear Ellie:

I think I do. First thing is to respect your fear because it has a valid message: people have hurt you in the past (maybe still do). It could have been a parent whom you looked up to for love and protection who has hurt you. Hurt already happened and can easily happen again. There are abusive or otherwise, unloving people in the world. And lots. This means you have to evaluate any candidate for a close relationship before proceeding. It is only if you trust a man enough, that you will proceed.

How do you trust a man enough? By trusting your ability to correctly evaluate a man as safe- enough.

No guarantees, but competent ability on your part to evaluate a man will increase your chances for a safe and loving relationship many times over.

To evaluate a man, see the first few dates as a series of interviews of sorts. Ask, observe, listen. You can even take notes after the dates (and put together a document, of sorts, about what you are looking for in a man, editing and re-editing what you learn). When you are unclear about something he says, or you notice a contradiction, ask him to clarify. Not in a detective kind of questioning, of course.

What do you think so far?

anita