Thank you for posting. I relate to your story

Something I noted when reading your post

I’ve been seeing a therapist but don’t feel like she or anyone gets the depth of the abuse I’ve endured and what it’s doing to me.

I had the same experience. In hindsight for some reason I wanted my therapist to acknowledge my hurt, which he did in a way, just not in a way I subconsciously wanted. I think I wanted an excuse and justification for feeling the way I did, I wanted to blame and be righteous in my anger. His concern was not about what my X did or taking about her but on me and how I might move forward and perhaps in time use the experience to grow. And He was right. Focusing on my X and trying to understand her was not going to help me.

I know it’s just my ego… And when fear and anger and shame and hate overwhelm me I just swallow it back down because I don’t know what else to do.

I feel that the statement ‘just my ego’ can become misunderstood and even get in the way of dealing with our experiences.
It takes a strong sense of ego to be able to let go of the ego. That might sound like a contradiction but I don’t think it is.

For me it’s a difference of identifying ones identity with the ego (which is what we want to let go of) and viewing the ego as the observer and part of the self through which we experience being conscious.

I am not my ego, my ego is a part of me. I am not my ego but in relationship with my I
I am not my fear, my sense of self is experiencing fear in this moment, I am not my joy, my sense of self is experiencing joy in the moment and grateful. I am not my failures, my sense of self is experiencing disappointment at not succeeding in the way I imagined…

When fear, anger, shame and hate overwhelm you the ego observer notices without identification judgments.
You might swallow the experience but instead of feeling helpless notice that as well, you might yell and notice that. Your ego not the cause and so effect of the issue in the moment but as conscious observer.

The experiences you had were real and your responses valid in the movement. They may not always have been helpful but still valid. The act of allowing the ego – your sense of I – to observe (without labeling the self) I believe opens the door to learning better ways in dealing with the memories and learning from the experience.

There is a time for all things and it may not be time to hear the following so forgive me if it upsets you (I know I didn’t want to hear it at the time, I was in a time of hurt and didn’t want to think about growth) – in a few years when you look back on the experience you will discover that the experience pushed you into a greater awareness of your relationship with your authentic self, others, and even things like your concept of love and relationship.

Though time does not heal, time can transform and ‘soften’ our memories and yes time can also harden memories and doing so embed the past in the present. Reading between the lines of your post I suspect the former will be the case.