Hi Anita,
Thank you for always being there for me, when I need you. I greatly appreciate it.

Well, I think I have single handedly screwed up my budding relationship with the woman I was dating. Long story short, I’ve had a couple heated conversations with her about her being more compassionate towards me and that I feel that she is judging me. Afraid of her judging me and my fear of abandonment has brought up deep insecurities within me.

I just had another conversation with her last night about my fear of abandonment and lack of compassion towards me, (it’s her tone of voice when she asks questions about work and relationships with women) and it didn’t go well.

I wrote to her this morning (as I tried calling her first) saying that I am very sorry for my behavior. She wrote back saying that I have amazing qualities and potential but that my problem is that I don’t believe in myself and that I haven’t gotten over my ex-wife from nine years ago. The ex-wife issue has caused me to sabotage relationships or just simply not been in one and that I need to deal with both of those issues. She says I should go to therapy to deal with them.
Now, I didn’t say anything mean about her or curse, but I did say I don’t feel safe telling her my fears as it would scare her away and that I feel she isn’t compassionate enough. I realize now that these are my issues and not hers.

I took full responsibility for my fears and truly apologized for her taking the brunt of my fears. I explained that I have been dealing with finding my path with work for years and it’s a very sensitive issue for me and one I’m trying to work on. Since she has her act together (good job, good family, good friends), that she would leave when I told her these things. She hasn’t left yet since I told her other things, but that’s one of my deepest fears, (and one she says I need to work on).

This has been an amazing learning experience (at both of our expenses), and hope she doesn’t leave me. And I understand if she does leave though. I’m really trying hard not to beat myself up about this, but it’s really hard not to. I single handedly screwed this up, and it’s hard for me not to take it personal and not beat myself up about it. I promised her that I have learned my lesson and that I will do my best not to take out my personal fears on her. And if so, she has carte blanche to kick me to curb.

She is in a dance class right now till 11:30am and I wrote this while she is in her class. It’s really up to her now if she wants to move forward with this relationship. It’s almost like murphy’s law…My fears of her leaving could possibly come true and I did that to the relationship. I feel absolutely horrible about my behavior towards her and how it made her feel. I explained this to her via text. I have hurt her and don’t know if it’s beyond reconciliation. I am not perfect, and I have been very sweet, generous (with time and helping her with her house), and affectionate. It’s my taking out my fears on her that has scared her and hurt her.

It’s now a waiting game and one that I’m trying to keep out of my head about.

Any thoughts?…:)