Thank you for your response. To your questions:
My first husband valued his friendships over his marriage to me. He would live his life as a single man. Put me in his life as he needed. Ultimately he told me his friends were more important than me and the marriage. My second husband was charming, fun, exciting then after marriage began to be controlling and jealous and when we had our children became extremely controlling, jealous and abusive. It first began as emotional abuse and ended with physical and emotional abuse. I feel I was never seen as someone they wanted in their lives. When I met the man who died, he was always concerned for me, helped me and wanted to ensure I OK. We were equal partners, I did for him as he did for me. I felt he was genuine in his emotion. I guess I feel lost. I feel as if I have no worth, like I’m alone and always will be alone, physically, emotionally, spiritually.