I have been in your shoes and can relate so much. It helps if you can establish clearer boundaries and communicate your needs and expectations in relationships more clearly. It may mean more guys leave sooner, but you leave yourself open and available to better relationships. You WANT to weed out the bad guys. Your last ex sounds like a terrible person and him not loving you is no loss. I’ve had abusive relationships and it’s so hard when you have low self-esteem to not blame yourself for the poor treatment, but hopefully with time you will realize that your life is much better without this man in it.

It sounds like you are attracted to emotionally unavailable men – it’s possible they remind you of male authority figures in your life (even if your dad, for example, was a fundamentally good man who provided for your family it doesn’t mean he was emotionally healthy and open).

I just experienced a breakup with what I thought was the first healthy relationship I’ve ever had (I’m 31) and I’m feeling similarly to you – just fear of going through this over and over again and inability to forgive myself for mistakes. But nothing will get better unless we take action to make it better. Continuing to suffer is a choice.