Update.

Yesterday I was having a really good day with low anxiety. After lunch I got a message from Brickman & I’s mutual friend. He said that he had lunch with brickman that “they had a really good talk. Very Positive! I’ll fill you in later. Breathe!” So 9 hours later our friend messages me that they had a good talk at lunch. Brickman is working hard with his therapist and he plans to see her again at the end of the month. Our friend mentioned that Brickman said he Loves me and just needs time to work on himself.” I thought it seemed liked a good sign, he’s taking his therapy seriously and I felt comfortable.

This morning, Brickman messaged me Good morning and we started texting. After asking about the kids he said his son is having a hard time with missing his mom and balancing his stress and schoolwork. I encouraged getting the kids in to see their therapist. He and the kids have had a lot of talks about their mom and the kids are having trouble processing everything.

Brickman and I messaged about various things throughout the day and he mentioned that he hoped to get out in his workshop on the 18/19. I waited a few minutes and told him I would be near his town on the 18th as I was going to a local flower festival. I guess I hoped he would say, “would you like me to ask if the kids would like to go? Or would you like to meet for lunch?” Nothing.

He then told me that he and the kids are going away from the 23-26. Which just disappointed me so much because my Birthday is the 26th. I don’t even know if he thought of that. I don’t know if I should mention it to him.

He talked about the kids after that. How he wants to spend as much time with them as possible. He wants them to know that they are loved and he wants to make memories with them. I asked him “It seems like you guys have a lot of stuff scheduled coming up. What’s with that?” His reply what that is is struggling right now as a single parent he has so much to do, laundry, dinner, grocery shopping, bills, mowing the lawn. He wants to finally do what we talked about for months, to paint his bedroom and put in a new floor. I told him  that I understood he feels like he needs to do a lot of this on his own and that I support that. I am also happy to come over and help. His response was “i know you do. i know you’re there. and i appreciate knowing that.”

I just feel like I was gutted. I am struggling to get through each day and I have a small group of friends that message or call me daily to check on me and care about me. I would be in a lot worse state if it weren’t for them. I can’t fathom how close he and I  were for 10 months and then he’s just retreating and fleeing. I am giving him time and space and I am getting very little in return. I am not going to reply to him. I am not going to message him. Radio silence is what’s going to happen for a while. It breaks my heart.