Dear mapnerd:

The sadness you mentioned is about the loss of emotional attachment. There is a sense of safety when you are in the presence of the object of your attachment, and a sense of anxiety (leading to obsessing) and deep sadness when you are away from the object of your attachment. It is similar to the feelings of a young child when separated from the parent, it is overwhelming.

Because as a child, you were not safe with your mother (who was falling apart histrionically in front of you, and repeatedly), your need for safety is now intense. This is why you are intensely attached to this guy and why your anxiety and sadness are so intense.

What fuels your attachment to him is not that the relationship with him was wonderful or that he is the right guy for you (he is not). What fuels it is your lack of safety as a child.

I hope you work on the latter in therapy- hope it is a competent therapy. In the meantime, repeat this to yourself: this attachment does not mean I should contact him. It will harm me if I do. It only FEELS like it will help me.

Does this help at all?

anita