Dear Anita,

I feel like you must be endlessly patient to listen to all this …

I know that for most people, happy or not, milestones in life are something they can pin on the wall for others to see that they are achieving something…we are all competitive..even if we dont think so. I feel like a failure because i have not had anything without a big helping hand from my parents. My current job is starting to grate on me..i dont earn enough to live on..but there is not much else to turn to where i live.

I dont remember feeling so much physical pain from former boyfriends…it just has something to do with those milestones but maybe also my feeling that i cant be successful and a lack of options where i live. I am 40, i never had dreams to marry but suddenly its acute that i am alone again, i never wanted kids but of course..if you take the chance away..Ive heard of people finding someone and within a year they have it all. i guess i have to keep that door open in my mind but it feels like its closing.

Tasks do help, work keeps my mind busy for a while, i have this energy to exercise like i never had before…but my mind constantly races around him all the while…i am fighting with my mind to not go mad, not to come up with scenarios of how i will see them together…my heart races if i see a car like his but i havent seen him since. Its clear, he is not going to chase after me like in the movies or how some people say in their biographies! lucky them.

So far, walking outside has been the best…eventually my anger and desperation subsides and i can look at a flower and some sunshine and have a moment of peace. Meditation..i think will come..once i can stop the anger (both at myself as well as the situation) i have to forgive myself too, i have to learn to give myself a chance but until then i keep having these moments.