Dear Kayla:

It doesn’t read to me that your expectations are too high. 10 mile bike ride is a lot to offer him. If he insists you go on a 40 mile bike ride, if he is not satisfied with your offer to go on a ten mile ride, then his expectations are too high.

I am not suggesting that you break up with him. What I am suggesting is that you take care of yourself first and foremost, that you do take your alone time, and that you don’t get caught up in trying to accommodate him at your expense. The latter will harm you.

I think that the reason he focuses on YOUR anxiety is because he doesn’t want to focus on his. He denies his own and points to you as the “guilty” one. As I wrote earlier, he doesn’t take responsibility for his own anxiety and for the ways he manages it. He presents his over-activity and multi-tasking as something reasonable people do in relationships while in reality, it is not so. These are his personal ways to manage his anxiety. It works for him. He should not impose those on you.

In your original post you wrote: “the relationship is just really… hard. And stressful for me to be a good girlfriend”-  and this is my concern: the relationship should not be that hard on you. It needs to be a Win-Win deal. The way it is, it is aimed at being a Win for him, and a Lose for you.

Do you think it is a good idea if you bring up to him the topic of his anxiety and him taking responsibility for it, not imposing his anxiety-management on you?

anita