Hello Anita!
I wanted to thank you for your very helpful answer.

“Only part of you wants a loving relationship, the other part does not, feels uncomfortable with it.”
Wow, I never looked at it this way but it makes so much sens to me now. I think I am scared because there is a dark part of me which believes I don’t deserve a loving relationship, that I wouldn’t be able to maintain any of it because I feel like I am not enough. And by postponing the possibility of a loving relationship I don’t have to confront the fact that it might fail which would confirm this negative belief. So I keep hope because I believe that only when I’ll finally be seen I’ll be authorized to see myself. But this man never makes me feel seen, which reinforces the belief that it’s only what I deserve.

I think you made an excellent point, which is that I am running from seing and loving myself by keeping faith and hope into something that absolutely does not nurture self-love.

It just feels so unconscious, I have a very hard time shifting into loving and seing myself permanently, changing those old beliefs for real. I always somehow go back to not feeling like I can deserve or get any better despite the work I put on myself. And somehow it breaks my heart to let go of this person, but I know that it’ll only be in resistance of loving myself and opening to the possibility of a true loving relationship if I don’t. And I must cut off this old pattern, time has come.

Thank you so much again, you really helped me shift my perspective.
Have a wonderful day!