Dear Anita,

Thank you very much for engaging with me. I feel very lonely and isolated at the moment and it is good to be able to talk to one person at least.

Today has been a bad day, and once again I have had to suffer in secret for fear of being rejected and hated by my own family. Yes, hated. It is quite incredible what fear can make people do, and I have certainly experienced just how nasty my parents can be in their fear of the unknown. Suffice it to say, I don’t want to revisit that experience. Last night I had heavy energies entering my head again, and this afternoon I broke down and sobbed on my bedroom floor at the realization that I cannot escape this ‘process’. I now know  full well that there is no ‘good-man-in-the-sky’, as you put it. My prayers and pleading have fallen on deaf ears. There is nothing but radio silence. C.S Lewis called God the ultimate vivisectionist because ‘He’ refused to respond to Lewis’ anguished prayers as his wife lay dying of cancer. But I would rather conclude that God doesn’t exist. It is easier. My experience has shown that whatever is driving this process is impersonal and quite unconcerned with human suffering and emotions. It does not bother itself if it puts people in mental hospitals, ruins families or destroys relationships. It is certainly not concerned in the slightest by the emotional and psychological problems it has caused me. And so I would rather conclude that this ‘impersonal’ nature is indicative of the Universe and not some ‘Heavenly Father’ archetype. I also do not believe the angelic archetype either. These are human constructs. If there are ‘angelic beings’, they certainly do not, in my opinion, care about us in a fuzzy, warm Victorian slushy way. They are more concerned with following their own agenda and generally avoiding the shitty third density of Earth as much as possible. They try not to get soiled or stained by it.

I still believe I have some connection with the planet Neptune. Just don’t ask me why I believe this, because it is batshit crazy. Neptune is a gas giant and can’t support life.

The Jesus of the Judaeo-Christian Bible never existed. That much is clear to me. That’s not to say there isn’t some sort of spiritual/mythical Christ, but I haven’t come across him yet. I am not having a Christian experience, and that’s an absolute shame because I wanted one and it would have strengthened my faith. But it wasn’t to be. Instead I got Paganism and then nothing except weird dreams. No communications from God, or Jesus, just weird dreams. Dreams in which I am actually two people: one awake in one location, and one asleep in another. I actually keep making reference to this as I speak to other people in my dreams. Enter extra-terrestrials and Dolores Cannon’s spaceships in which one half of us sleeps whilst the other lives on Earth. Scary, scary shit. Please bear in mind that I have served the Judaeo-Christian God as a church organist for well over twenty years. I would never entertain such ridiculous nonsense about alien life before, but now it is becoming a distinct possibility.

All I want to do is go back to how things were. Back to a world I understood. But I have swallowed the ‘red pill’ and I can’t.

Thanks for your time Anita, I really appreciate it.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser