Let me see if I can consolidate my basic experience all these years. I started seeing a therapist when I refused to go back to high school. She was very nice but she couldn’t get me back into school. No one could but I didn’t feel like the effort to get me back in school was very strong. I thought they all gave up too easily. So at 15 I stayed at home with my grandfather and uncles. I didn’t go out. I had no friends. I cleaned the house, did everone’s laundry and after a couple of years was pressured to get a job. Me, who loved school but didn’t feel I could go. Me who was bright and talented was pushed to get a job and left with people saying they couldn’t believe how I turned out. I was an artist who loved books and school and my schooling was given up on by the adults around me because I didn’t fix my situation overnight. I always felt that people never thought I was worth the effort. They try once but then give up on me.
I cried on the day I was suppose to graduate high school. I missed out on dating. I missed out on the proms. I missed out on friendship. I missed out on being on the honor roll. I missed out on graduation. I missed out on being a teenager. People just let me do it too. I lived with my grandfather and with other men who didn’t always treat me well and I was criticised for not working after cleaning for them.
A fews years after my next door neighbor asked me to go to an aerobics class and that kinda pulled me out of the house to do more outside of my home. For the most part I spent time in the library and fantasizing about being someone else. A version of myself. I never imagined a perfect life with no problems. The only thing different were my connections to people.
Di I mention that my grandmother died when I was 14? It wasn’t long after I found out she wasn’t my real mother.
Dealing with real or imagined rejections from people I continued to imagine being a different version than myself, cleaning the house, barely going out and I also got a job. I did this until my grandfather died when I was 23 and then I was forced to take care of myself completely financially. I lost my home but I will talk about that later and continue this over the weekend.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 