Dear Vanessa:

I think that the loving and kind thing for your live-in boyfriend to do is to produce no evidence of him liking sexually provocative photos of  women on websites, or watching porn. He has seen your suffering connected to these things and so, the right thing for him to do is to not cause you the suffering he already witnessed.

Is it right for him to never again like such photos and watch porn because you suffer? I don’t know. It is a matter of personal choice, but for as long as he is choosing to live with you, and for as long as it causes you suffering (not mild irritation, but “constantly causing me huge anxiety and panic attacks – like I’m terrified …he nightmares and always living on the edge messes me up emotionally”), he should stop it, really.

You wrote: “He explained it was ‘a joke'”- your suffering, your “deep anxiety and PTSD after escaping an abusive household” is not a joke and should be taken into careful consideration.

Maybe you can explain to him that you are not trying to control his behavior in other areas, that you are not trying to police him in other areas, that you need his help in this particular area. Maybe he doesn’t fully understand the consequence-to-you of this particular behavior?

anita