Dear Lea:

You are welcome!

You read like an exceptionally reasonable, considerate and insightful person. You are sensitive to his need to feel safe and reads to me you did your best to communicate with him about his drug/alcohol use in a non-threatening, non-judgmental way over months, and you probably did a good job at it. His distress and resulting unwillingness to communicate on this topic predated you (and the blowup), I am as sure as I can be.

You wrote that he is 14 years older than you and suggested he has more life experience than you- only in terms of time, maybe. You have more experience in terms of understanding, insight and ability to communicate effectively with another. You also have more experience handling distress without using drugs. He is less experienced than you in these areas.

If he is not likely to be willing to attend couple therapy for the purpose of communicating better and resolving conflicts more effectively, and if he is unlikely to attend individual therapy, this is not promising, I think, for the relationship with you.

I understand your feeling of unsafety regarding his drug use, which you detailed clearly. His taking of cocaine on one hand, a stimulant, and alcohol, anxiety pills being depressants, is concerning because people who take those two opposites tend to use both: too stimulated? Take a depressant. Too depressed? Take a stimulant. Marijuana is not the harmless drug it was thought to be and has long term effects, not congruent with mental health.

Have you considered ending the relationship? If you have what are your thoughts about it?

anita