Dear Chanel:

You asked “how exactly can you heal and become stronger by yourself?”- unfortunately, it is impossible to adequately heal by yourself. The reason is that the kind of injury you suffer from occurred in the context of a relationship (with a parent), and it must be then, in the context of another relationship, or relationships, that healing can occur.

Your relationship with your boyfriend can be healing if you do take responsibility for your healing, don’t expect him to heal you (he can’t even if he wanted to and tried the best he could). Don’t burden him with your challenges and don’t start or lead to arguments. Get the comfort you can get from him, ask for reassurance in moderation, and look for more- not from him- but from others. Best a competent psychotherapist (free or low cost may be a possibility?). Maybe others as in a free support group like CoDa.

Remember, your boyfriend is not a psychotherapist and even if he was, a therapist cannot treat a family member or a girlfriend because of lack of objectivity.

If you give me an example of an argument you had with him, maybe I can give you my feedback regarding how you could have communicated with him better in that incident, in a way that would be healing for you and yet healthy for the relationship (to heal in the context of a relationship, you must always protect the relationship, make it a win-win, win for you and win for him and arguments lead to win/lose or lose/lose).

anita