I am copying that last message again because on several platforms it’s not showing that I wrote it and it says you were the last one to write a response 9 hours ago and I wasn’t. So my last message again:

“I can totally see how telling him was not the right decision. Now he might be insecure and now I might obsess that he thinks I want to break up and it’ll probably have a bigger impact on me than him. I just felt guilty not telling him. I felt guilty that I was thinking this and I almost just anted him to tell me yes sometimes I do want other girls to find me attractive and I thought I would feel better (temporary relief) but instead he told me everything I didn’t want to hear “I don’t do that, I only like to look good for you, I like being told we’re a good looking couple that’s why I like to look good, are you too good for me? ;9 you want to be single? And it KILLED ME. I told him I no longer wanted to talk about it because it increased my anxiety and I made it a real life issue and not an issue in my head like before.

About the childhood thing… a moment specifically doesn’t come to mind but I’m sure there are some stuff there? It’s just so weird it’s always happened to me. I remember I got a really nice car as my first car and the entire time I couldn’t be happy about it I was like did my parents really want to get me this? Do I deserve this? Do they have this kind of money? I never can ENJOY something without thinking bad about it. So I know I’m going to Mexico and I just want to have a good time and I was excited for so long and now I’m like what if I ruin it what if I have an anxiety attack what if my OCD ruins the whole trip and I can’t control it what if I act on my OCD and break up with him. What if I can’t have a good time because I’m so stuck in my headS I notice this every time I go somewhere exciting. I can say that my OCD random attacks as a young kid really did ruin HAPPY moments in my life transferring to a new school, summer vacation, etc. so I can see that I was excited about all of those things and my OCD ruined it for me . Getting a car, a dog, school, everything.