Hello Anita,

The last few days have been absolutely dreadful. I have been getting terrible pressure in my head which has caused feelings of de-realization. The only way I have coped is by consuming a large amount of alcohol and painkillers. There is no other help. Everyone talks crap on this subject. The New Agers use such spacey language that I have trouble understanding what on Earth they are trying to say, and the Christians just opt for the easy solution of labelling my experiences demonic.

This is truly the worst experience of my entire life. I think it is fair to say that it will ultimately see me off. My mind is very distressed, and all I want to do is sleep. It is like trying to play a game without knowing the object and rules of it. Here’s the truth. Some people, such as the religious play-actors (commonly called priests) would have you believe that God is Love. I’ll tell you what that statement is: pure bullshit. It (I use the word It instead of He or She) merely wishes to advance Its agenda through trial and error. If It loses a few souls to suicide along the way, It considers it collateral damage. It is the advancement of the collective that’s important, not individual souls. So this ‘Force’ pre-selects a few unfortunate souls to suffer the most traumatic experience possible in the life of a human being: spiritual awakening. Don’t believe the childish crap put out by infantile Christians that God wants ‘personal relationships’ with people. It doesn’t. It wants Its pet project, planet Earth, to evolve. Humans are of secondary importance. And now, because Its planet is so fucked up and in danger of  total annihilation, It wants to wake people up. That would be fair if everyone woke up at the same time, but it isn’t going to be like that. For a few unfortunate souls such as myself, their lives are going to turn into a torturous living nightmare as they try to deal with two realities at once. While everyone else basically carries on as normal. Not very fair, is it?

Yes Anita, I am fucking angry. My life was never a bed of roses before, but I could live with it and cope with it. I can’t cope anymore.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser