Hi Anita,

Thank you as i dont think i would have been able to get through this without your help.

I dont think of being with him as the only way, its just the way i really wanted to go. I say that past tense now because i know he doesnt want me back. I think he feels guilt about it..but i guess he stopped loving me, i think i said before..theres some anger he has about me, i dont know why he cant just work that out. I have really gone to town on trying to communicate, i guess i really look like a loser. And hes not interested..he wants to stick his head in the sand. But he meant so so much to me. He was my home.

I wonder if this means im weak in the mind..not being able to let go, always failing in relationships..there ALWAYS is some girl who then sashays in all fun and fresh, without fail. That is definitely going to create a deep fear for me.. Im afraid of meeting someone new who will do the same thing again when i really love them. Its not fair to hear couples who fell in love..and then the guy pursued and pursued until she would marry him..WOW! that has never happened to me! Im 40 and people say im good looking. Maybe that has something to do with it, guys often say im too good for them..so therefore there is no one for me.

But in a strange way, i feel i am stronger in myself than before, that something will come from this, something creative..i have to survive but the best way for me to do that is alone, it always has been the best way for me to get stronger..to go through the fire alone. Still, i know my life could really be so much easier. How i wish that things were different! but this is what i am dealt.