Dear Pearce,

I like you suggestion of taking some time to go somewhere and think more clearly. I have an absolute love for hiking and how I feel amongst the trees and it has been so long since I’ve done that. I also love when I am on my bike. I got out a couple weeks ago and it was so great. My mind felt at ease and my thoughts fell into place. It is harder now, with a little one, to get these moments. I will incorporate this though. I love it.

My husband’s relationship with this girl is what happened. I have a difficult time with their closeness, so anytime we are together, we end up arguing about it. So his relationship with her started the spiral of things downward. We have ups and downs but the we have been at odds for the majority of the last year. We’ve gotten so he spends a lot of his time at work, mostly because he is extremely busy, but also because if he is home, we end up in an argument.

“Meeting hostility with hostility is seen through the eyes of the other person as an invitation to engage in hostility. If on the other hand the way you “handle these situations” is one of a passive/submissive target, it only serves to allow hostile domination over you to continue.” —Yes, yes and yes! This rings so true to my ears. As Anita said, I need to find a way to assertive and communicate feelings in a respectful manner.

I am so on board with you. The fighting has to stop! It WILL stop. What is so hard for me is that he spends a lot our arguments pointing out the things I need to work on and change and very little about himself. However, he says I do not listen to him. In the next situation, I will listen to his needs and not get heated with my reaction.

Thank you for your perspective on marriage counseling. You are absolutely right. If he decides to go, that is his decision. Meanwhile, I will do my own sort of counseling to help me figure out my emotions and improve myself.

I have been reflecting on your statement of embracing changes. I’ve been saying “I want to” for far too long. I will change and I will be a good example for my daughter. I’m glad this is here for me to refer back to. I’ve read it many times now and will continue to refer back to it to embrace this change.

I did not find your response harsh at all. I know that I have problems to work on and am serious about making a change. I appreciate the time and effort of your response. I know I am hard on myself and feel I rely on others to bring me up. This includes my husband. I know he is exhausted of this pattern and I will look to myself in a positive light. Thank you for your last couple of lines. I’ve been searching for a mantra for when times get rough and I feel this will help me tremendously.  Like I said, I will review this more than once so I can work through these issue. Please stay tuned.

TT