Thank you Anita,

You are right about the feelings of powerlessness..it makes me so angry and so helplessly miserable. Its true that i dont believe i can make a meaningful change. Things i have tried to do just have not worked out..i get so depressed, tired, disappointed and angry that the feeling of failure just rises to the surface and stops progress..i dont know how to change that. This is despite the fact that i had a success at work recently..i worked hard for a result and it worked. I just dont feel like i can ever celebrate anything, there is always an overlying problem. My success feels totally void.

I think i was also used to being abused for so long, 4 years, that it became normal to me to hear cruel comments and constant rejection.(also based in my experience with my mother) Now, i cant think of ever being with a guy again..there is just no way i can trust them to be fair or honest with me. I guess i cant trust myself to stand up for myself either. But if they fight dirty with me then i feel justified in doing the same back. I guess that people are always surprised..they expect me to stay meek but if they make me angry, they will feel it.

I never grew up with any confidence..it just doesnt come no matter what i achieve. i think this has caused a lot of my feelings of low self worth to be ingrained, ive learnt watching other people..that they challenge what they are given, i never learnt to challenge or question anything to defend myself. People put me down easily and i hate it. But i have never been clever in speech, i can only write.

I thought i wanted him back. but, i know now i just miss the physical comfort of a companion. Life with him in reality..was one crisis after another, he was angry a lot and needed all my attention, nothing was good enough, even though his friends thought he was lucky to have me..he found fault in everything. towards the end i bore the brunt of his anger..no longer on the pedestal he put me on in the beginning, i think he feared me leaving him a lot, he feared aging. It hurts horribly of course..maybe i am extra proud as a person to not believe it could happen this way..but i begged and pleaded without shame but purely from my feelings. I just didnt want to go back to the terrible isolation i had had before. Now i am here, i have to face it, feeling alone and unwanted is miserable for me. But i hate him and perhaps i had stopped loving him a long time ago but didnt want to leave.