Dear Nick:

The first definition of “to tease” I come across online: “To make fun of (someone) playfully”, meaning it is fun for the one doing the teasing.

Often enough, it is not fun for the one being teased. It is, like you wrote: “they did not realize the teasing, at my expense, was not appreciated.” It is having fun at someone else’s expense.

A child, especially a young child, is very sensitive, his brain is still forming, many neuropathways are being created daily. If an adult being teased is able to shrug it off (IF), a child is not able to shrug it off. It sticks (in those pathways being formed).

A person intending to tease in a playful way needs to stop for a moment and think: how is this teasing going to affect the recipient of my teasing? A parent should never make fun of their child, no matter what the culture and intent.

In your examples in the first two posts, your mother, father and sister were paying attention to your naked body: to your belly button, chest, and to what is under the towel (whether they saw it at the moment of attention or not). What was the nature of that attention, I ask myself as I re-examine the examples:

“Ooh, I want to see you naked!” – the attention here involves excitement. I am not suggesting sexual excitement, but excitement nonetheless. The excitement is evident in the “ooh” and in the exclamation mark at the end. Now, the child will learn something from such a teasing (learning, as in forming those pathways). What is the child going to learn? My naked body is exciting my mother is one possibility. This can stick in the brain and if when that sentence was said you didn’t hit puberty yet, the sentence was likely magnified once you did hit puberty.

If your mother stopped to think before impulsively teasing you that way, she wouldn’t have proceeded. Regardless of culture, really, it is inappropriate.

When your sister lifted your shirt and said: “I saw your belly button!” – one more exciting response. And a violation of privacy: she lifted your shirt. This behavior is very common between children, but what is very common is often enough, unfortunately, hurtful or very hurtful as well.

Your father suggesting taking photos of you when you change, besides the violation of privacy, why did he suggest it? Again: what is so exciting and memorable about your naked body that requires a photo shoot?

Clearly you were negatively affected by these teasing incidents and you were distressed at being seen naked by your family, from one point on. You were even teased about the affect of previous teasing: your sister “insisting that I take my shirt off to prove that I don’t get embarrassed”- teasing you for being embarrassed, ashamed.

It is a good thing that at one point your mother noticed your embarrassment and expressed empathy for you, defending you against the teasing by your sister.

You wrote: “I was not abused/assaulted or anything, just teased. Nonetheless, these incidents really bother me, these thoughts are incredibly intrusive and can easily take up all of my mental attention at times… It takes up my mental attention when I really have other more important things to focus on”- clearly, teasing was enough to cause you significant distress. It may be an unintentional, non-physical/sexual assault, but it is an assault nonetheless, evaluated by the affect it had on you.

You wrote: “I want to ask, firstly, is it normal/not unusual for some level of teasing or incidents like this?”- I think it is not unusual or abnormal but a whole lot of what is usual and normal is hurtful to children. This is why people have so many problems and dysfunctions, so very many… because hurting children (intentionally and unintentionally) is so very usual, common and … normal. It being common doesn’t make it easier for the individual being hurt.

You wrote: “I honestly just don’t want to think about this anymore/almost erase it from memory”, and you asked: “how do I let this go completely?  …Would you happen to have any other ideas on how to deal with this, other than directly talking to them about it? I almost feel that would just be better to somehow manage to put this away, instead of bringing it up with them and further driving it into consciousness”-

It is too late, Nick, to worry about “further driving it into consciousness” because it is already there (those neuropathways)- it is already as deep in your consciousness as it can be. Because you feel anger at your family members for teasing you and because it is understandable and valid that you do (they shouldn’t have teased you), maybe asserting yourself with them, telling them your naked body was none of their business to comment on, will give your hurt, shame, anger feelings the voice they need in the process of being released from that tight hold in your consciousness. Maybe there are questions you want to ask them about the teasing…?

The goal is to release those feelings (hurt, shame, anger… maybe you can clarify more what your feelings are), so they stop fueling those intrusive thoughts, and so they stop disturbing your body image. The goal is that you will be okay with your body.

Your thoughts/ feelings?

anita