Eliana,

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts!

My boyfriend and his female friend haven’t talked in a while actually, and my boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind at all. They just gradually communicated less when he and I started dating. The only reason they got close was because they talked to each other about relationship problems with their significant others at the time, but before that, they were merely just friends who didn’t hang out with just the two of them. Before he and I got together, there was this small feeling that something was off about her being there. Something just didn’t sit well with me, but it’s likely that it could be my fear talking, right? My boyfriend told me that his ex-girlfriend didn’t like this female friend either, undisclosed reason why.

November of last year, I found texts with said female friend and they were planning on going for coffee with just the two of them, but it didn’t happen. It was not a good read for me, as I’ve already told him previously that I don’t feel comfortable with just them two hanging out alone. He didn’t tell me about this plan either, so just only recently (as in sometime this month) did I bring this up to him. He said he slightly remembers the texts and thinks that probably the reason why for the plan is to talk to her about how I uncomfortable and upset I was.

January of this year, she posted a picture of him and his dog on her Instagram account. She has not done this to any of her guy friends, just my boyfriend. The next day, she tagged me in it. Either my boyfriend talked to her about it (which I doubt he did) or she thought of how uncomfortable it would be for me to see it, so she just tagged me in it. I have mixed feelings about this situation.

At first, I felt uneasy that I caused a drift from their friendship, but now, I don’t because I cannot be sure that I am the cause. I know these things are probably small compared to more critical issues that other couples are facing, but I am really bothered and I’m constantly going back and forth with whether I’m going crazy or being reasonable.

However, if boundaries are crossed once again, either coming from him or her, then I will definitely be beyond upset and just feel betrayed. I would not know what to do.

—

@anita,

Most of my response to Eliana also corresponds to your reply.

I’m not sure if asking my boyfriend now to cut off all contact with her would be the right time as they have not talked in a while. Her birthday was two weeks ago and he didn’t even greet her (his reasons were he forgot and he was lazy), despite me trying to put down my ego and told him to greet her.

Just a few days ago, I finally told him that I don’t trust and asked him if that’s okay for me to say. He said it’s understandable and he trusts my intuition. He didn’t get annoyed or mad at me which I appreciate.

As you can tell, I am at extreme ends of the spectrum, and I just keep going back and forth with being okay with her, then “resenting” her, then back to the cycle. I don’t know what I feel towards this female friend anymore. Do I like her or do I actually “resent” her? Is she someone I should keep at arm’s length, in case she does something that crosses the line, or is she someone I should continue talking to and find out that nothing’s really wrong?

Sigh… I’m going crazy. I just want to hibernate for many, many, many years…

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Free Moon.