Dear Anita, thank you once again for all this effort and your answers I really appreciate it.. I started pscychotherapy due to this situation with my ex as I understood I had problem to handle it due to inner wounds. By talking I saw this constant guilt feeling and I have been told the same by my therapist “the need to remember the feeling inside me” as a child and not only the actions.. I guess it will take time to bring back the feelings and heal the soul somehow not only rationally but also emotionally. But at least I came to the position to realize some things and why I do react like this. Some months ago I was not aware I had such traumas inside me – now I do remember and I recall the pain somehow. The felling of abandonment and insecurity.. the fear of lonileness and my constant tries for not provoking that again..
It is weird that the return of my ex and all these strategies / pressure on me actually woke up parts in me that needed care and I was only ignoring them for so long.
The post here and the whole story started by focusing on another person actions – my ex. But my inability to protect myself and my desires leaded to another direction: to me. It finally became an inner-personal-soul analyzing and healing process.
It will need time but I already feel stronger somehow ..
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 