Thank you PearceHawk and Eliana,

I am getting a lot of support and i am so grateful for this. I understand the point of focus changing outwards..i tend to bury myself in work but lately i just had that panic emotional feeling and found i can´t concentrate on anything except trying to find a safe place for myself. for a long time, i have been angry that i gave “too much” to the other people in my life who have let me down. My main goal was to try and forgive them…even though they wont forgive me.

I recently fell out with a good friend who has been such a great support to me through all this. However, while being great support..she also had a habit of bullying at work on a regular basis, complaining a lot about things being unfair, that i needed to fix it, pointing out my mistakes all the time and demanding help from me etc. I finally just hit my maximum and told her i didnt like it, that it reminded me of the abusive behaviour of my ex (which was true).

She didnt like that at all and has now gone silent on me. She did already apologise but i think she has just gotten angry instead of remorseful. I know she can hold a grudge because she had described quite a number of times she has fallen out with people and funnily enough she is a Libra like my mother who reacted in much the same way.

I totally realise that i can lose my friend, lose my mother. But maybe that had to be. If i am alone then at least i am learning if only the hard way…that in the past my relationships consisted of me accepting everything about the other, including their abusive behaviour as a side dish, but not being accepted back. Its not good enough anymore.

I need a stronger foundation in myself to be able to reach out to others, i need to feel a place in myself that can handle criticism, negativity, anger and jealousy without it destroying me when it shouldnt be that intense of an experience. Maybe like you say i just have to accept that it could take quite a long time.