Good Morning Anita,

so yesterday I had a really long serious talk with my boyfriend. I told him how unhappy I am with myself and that I hate being this crazy jealous and insecure girlfriend. I told him I know it’s his actions that have caused me to become like this but I’m not sure if I could change back to how I was with or without him. I told him I don’t want to break up but I am not sure if love is enough to stay in a relationship. I told him how I HAVENT really forgiven him for his actions and I am beyond scared to get hurt or surprised again.

I tried to explain to him that my biggest fear in life is someone coming up to me telling me something I didn’t know and me finding out once again that he hasn’t been truthful with me. 8 can’t make myself vulnerable again to let that happen. I told him I can’t stay like this and I’m going to have to do a lot of work on myself and we’re going to have to work together because things cannot stay like this.

He again talked to me reassured me that he’s not lying. He tells me that back then he just didn’t care as much and didn’t think our relationship was going to make it past college. He tells me how he was immature stupid and was being influenced by all the wrong people. He also talked to me about the girl he got involved with and States how he had liked her before me so when she came around he wanted to hang out hook up whatever it may be only because they had a past. He reassure some me that he never once tried to talk to a random girl and that’s never been his personality. I understand why he did what he did and maybe why he lied but I can’t find myself able of full trusting at the moment.

Now this is my favorite part. After talking and me explaining what I’m scared of my boyfriend says it’s not healthy to live in the past and we need to move forward and I completely agree… but then he says…. if you were to find something out later why does it matter if it was in the past? Why are you so stuck in the past?…. this turned my stomach. Is he insinuating that there is something else that happened? Is he trying to understand why I would care to know??? I tried to tell him that LYING about it is in the present and i can’t find out again that he’s been lying or I’m going to be devastated. He says he understands and that it came out wrong, that he’s just saying why does the past matter so much etc. but it’s not the past, it’s the lying and betrayal that I’m scared of. I’m scared to become vulnerable again and LET someone make me happy. I’m not sure he understands or ever will understand. Really in a tough place because I’m not getting better. And I know I’m not getting better because I have gotten into the cycle of asking a question everyday and doubting him and googling and thinking to myself constantly about what he may be lying about and how he’s going to hurt me again. I know I’m miserable because I PUT MYSELF in this cycle and haven’t gotten out, but I’m not sure if I can get out of this cycle being with him. I really don’t want to break up with a great guy because I can’t get myself together.