Dear lost_star:

You wrote that when you broke up “he took on all the responsibility”- that is not surprising, since he took all the responsibility to his family’s financial needs (“He took on a lot of the financial load for his parents and sister” as well.

And there are “arguments with his family”- are they not grateful, I wonder, for his financial help? I don’t know what the arguments are about.

You wrote in your original post that “He blamed himself a lot”, and in your last post you wrote: “he is not sure where the pressure in our relationship is coming from but he does not have the bandwidth to figure it out”- maybe the pressure came from his strong inclination to feel guilty and to take on responsibility that doesn’t belong to him. No wonder, with such pressure, that he doesn’t have the bandwidth, that is, the energy or mental capacity for more (as in a relationship with you), in his overly taxing life.

It is possible, given the pressure he feels about his family’s dependence on him, that “the pressure came from me being too dependent on him for happiness” was something he wanted to unload.

It is a good thing that you attend therapy. Unfortunately, he probably didn’t. And so, he is probably still struggling with his guilt and over responsibility to his parents and sister, still having arguments with them, perhaps, and still pressured.

If I was in your place, before considering re-starting a relationship with him, I would communicate with him more about his parents/sister guilt and pressure, figure out the situation there and likely future in this regard. It may be that for as long as this situation exists, and until he extricates himself from his current family role, it will not a good idea for you to be in a relationship with him.

anita