Dear lost_star:

Regarding “this role that he took on”, this helping his family at his own expense role- it is not a role that he took on. It is a roll that was given him, ingrained in him since childhood. You wrote that ” His parents would then turn on him and say that he should help his sister as they are family.”-

The price for him extricating himself from the family role inflicted on him is that his parents do turn on him. In my experience with this family role, it is a very difficult one to get out of. He may not go to therapy simply because it costs money that he feels needs to go to his parents/ sister!

I am not surprised, in this context, that he chose to end a relationship that brought him happiness instead of the relationships that bring him misery. His motivation to continue the relationships that bring him misery is to not experience the greater pain he fears: that of being rejected and criticized by his parents. More often, the motivation to avoid pain is stronger than the motivation to seek pleasure.

I think that surrendering or accepting what you cannot change is a very good strategy. I don’t think you can change his family dynamics or extricate him from his family role. As unjust as it is, as wrong for him as it is, you cannot compete with the power parents have on their children, during those formative years, when he was taught what he was taught.

anita