@ Anita: thanks for coming back.

yes its true, its much cheaper for her living here. I guess i’m not so easy going sometimes when it comes to things like consumption and food shopping. i’ve noticed that i’m quite controlling with money, particularly food shopping. i often request that we go half on all the food items, but she says that i’m quite stingy and calculating when it comes to money, and that because i’m earning more i should cut her some slack.

i guess you’re right. i lack self acceptance to some extent and sometimes look externally for a model of how i should feel and what i should do. I see a lot of my peers in seemingly functional relationships and think that should be available for me. i guess i’m trying to fit myself into something that part of me doesnt want enough. i guess all my motivations for staying in this relationship right now are based on how i’m scared that this might be the way for me in every relationship and so i might as well stay in this one.  i also fear not being able to meet someone in the future. Additionally i fear the rigmarole of having to break up while living together, and the disorientation and likely self loathing that seems to emerge for me after each break up ive been through. it’s a very fearful process but i guess i need to do it.

I’ve noticed a dynamic in my relationships where if my partner expresses a lot of warmth, closeness, dependency, or makes grand proclamations for our future together i recoil a bit. however, if they show signs that they are distancing themselves, i step up the effort and fear abandonment.

in terms of my family, i dont remember much affection. i guess my family aren’t really expressive in that sense, and don’t really talk too much of emotions. I’m not particularly close with them and keep them at a slight distance. i show up enough in their lives to maintain a relationship i suppose.

@ peter

thank you for you input. i guess i wasnt really shown much of a model of love growing up. i have never, however, thought of defining love for myself. i always thought it would be something organic that i would be overcome with as a relationship progressed. love to me is vulnerability, is throwing everything into this other person knowing it may be unrequited. i guess thats never appealed.