Dear Jen:

Welcome back! A pleasure to have you back here.

What you wrote here is congruent with what you wrote about your husband February 2016:

“I know that growing up, he had a very controlling mother and I know that sometimes I trigger that & occasionally, I remind him that I am not his mother. Also, he mentions from time-to-time how he was bullied a lot by students and teachers at his all-boy’s school…and can’t seem to let that go.”

When he tells others “that he’s worked through all the triggers in his past with his parents”- he is lying to them and maybe to himself as well. It is one thing to be somewhat aware of triggers and it is another thing to have “worked through” triggers. Clearly, he hasn’t.

You asked for suggestions. You wrote last year that he was closed to discussing his issues with you. If he still is, and seems like he still is, there is no healing process for him that can take place via communication with you.

He may need, for his healing, to have no contact with his mother, but is feeling too guilty to have no contact with her. Did you ever suggest to him to cut contact with her, at least temporarily, so that he can examine his unresolved conflicts with her without ongoing triggering?

anita