Dear NightFlower:

You wrote that you “feel like the arguments just make him feel worse because he starts beating himself up for ‘not changing and hurting me’”-  I agree. The arguments are hurting him and the relationship. There are no “growing pains” as a result of arguing with him, only pains.

I understand your need for empathy, we all need empathy, absolutely, and it is your right to avail yourself to a boyfriend who is consistently empathetic toward you. Thing is, he is not consistently empathetic because he automatically reacted to his difficult childhood, as a child,  by relying on logic. He didn’t choose to over-rely on logic, and he didn’t choose it so to hurt you. It was an automatic reaction for the purpose of surviving.

For the benefit of the relationship, it is most important that individually, each one of you continues to heal from what you termed your respective “broken homes”. His empathy will become more and more consistent and reliable the more he heals. If he feels safe in the relationship with you, then healing for him is possible. If he feels unsafe, he cannot heal.

anita