Anita,

Thank you. I understand my situation regarding my friend right now, thank you again for analysing and helping me organising my thoughts. I will no longer stay in contact with this particular person / friend in the future.

I would like it for us to pick up the last topic about my ex boyfriend. I hope you do not mind. I hope you do not get tired. I also hope that this will be the last thread about him that I made here.

We discussed about how important it was for my feelings to be heard by my ex boyfriend. I haven’t reached out to my ex boyfriend until today, mainly because I want to analyse my motive for contacting him before I do.

I am not sure that the reason why I am contacting him is only for him to understand and hear me out. Maybe I really do miss him very much, that I am looking for any logical excuses and opportunities to talk to him. To hear his advices, to give him my advices, to give him a word of encouragement during his hard time, to just catch up with him… to keep each other in a loop again. Even if it is only for a short period of time.

It is also a fact that I am very much struggling with a lot of emotions and unsaid words to him. I keep going back and forth with the plan of contacting him. I am not sure what I should say and what kind of expectations that I should have.

The truth is, I really want us to be able to share openly regarding the break up and our current situation at the moment. I can feel that he isn’t doing so well either, he deleted all of his social media except his chatting application. He did not put anything except for a song attached in it. He always puts depressing songs about how he always believe in himself, that he does not need anyone but himself, most of the songs are about a person who is actually very scared and depressed about the future but he is holding it in because of social or society pressure. Maybe … my ex boyfriend is also pretending like me and he suffers alone just like me too.

I know that all of this are based on my assumptions about him. Maybe I can be completely wrong, but at the same time, I know that there is a huge chance that I am right. Since he isn’t attending any university at the moment, he is doing nothing. Maybe he is back living with his parents since no one has seen him around our university neighbourhood, he had to deal with the choices that he had made alone while waiting for next year semester to start anew in his new university which does not guarantee will make him happier either

I understand him. It was all a choice he made by himself so there is no one to blame but himself if things does not work out well. There is not turning back for him. Me and my ex share the same burden and thoughts, we cannot appear weak to people. We cannot admit that we are indeed depressed because of the stigma in mental issues. We both have to keep our “perfect kids” role for our parents and society standards. We were taught and learnt that no matter how painful it is to get slammed and bumped into a wall, we keep going with a hope that someday the wall will break.

But I realise now how much pain that I get from ignoring my feelings and by keep slamming into that hard wall.  know that I am tired. Mentally especially from the break up, the whole self identity question, the whole best friend thing, the whole church thing, and the whole study overseas thing, and discovering my parents expectations of me was also very overwhelming. I want to hear his support. And I want to do the same for him too. I want to support him sincerely as someone who understand completely about his situation.

It might sounds very hopeful and weird. I am aware, but is it really wrong for me to have this kind of expectation from contacting him? We both know that we have no chances of getting back together, but supporting each other as a human being to another human being is basic in my opinion.

I would appreciate your honest thoughts and opinion. I asked a friend and she told me that even though all my ex can provide is probably words of support, maybe I need to hear that from him. Because he is the most important person in my life. Maybe if the words come out of his mouth, I will see a hope in the future. I doubt it though. I am not sure.

-Mina