Anita,

You wrote : “if you contact him he may damage your subjective experience of a relationship going on, in your mind only. His input may not match the story in your mind.”

I have questions regarding this statement :

1. Will his response forced me to see things as it is, then? because he will damage this fake emotional relationship that I am having alone?

2. Isn’t it better for me to be forced by him to see things as it is instead of holding on into a story that I created in my mind only?

I mean, emotionally, this fake relationship keeps me going, that is true.

Until now, but … for how long? I am pretty sure in the long run, this fake relationship won’t survive. If I keep holding on onto this emotionally one sided relationship, I will never be able to be emotionally available to anyone new. I am basically ruining myself and preventing myself from seeing other people in the future.

At the same time, change is very scary to me right now. Because I was and still in so much pain, I just freeze. I do not want to feel any more pain. By changing things, maybe the level of pain will change too.

I am scared to contact my ex boyfriend for the reason that he will forced me to see things as it is, and truly end this fake relationship I created. In order to get better when you are sick is to drink medicine right? Right now I am in so much pain because I refuse to eat the medicine because it tastes so bitter

I will never get better if I do not drink this bitter medicine though.

I hope my ex boyfriend will be able to put me in my place. Slap me to the reality, I NEED that. Instead of being nice or supportive, maybe it would be better for him to say harsh words to me in order to put things into perspective. This though, I doubt. I am pretty sure simple friendly questions wouldn’t make him go “honest and harsh” on me. I need something to move him, to let him be honest to me. No matter how brutal or cruel, I want to hear the truth.

-Mina