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Reply To: I just rejected someone today, please help?

HomeForumsRelationshipsI just rejected someone today, please help?Reply To: I just rejected someone today, please help?

#169479
Mina
Participant

Anita,

Thank you very much. I needed to hear some of the words you wrote above. It is very comforting me reading this.

Especially this part,

You wrote : “I imagine he still does.”

Every single time I think about ending it all, ending my pain – I think about this. I should live, even if it isn’t for me – then for him. He probably does not know about what is going on but he will want Mina to live. That he at least still care for me as an ex boyfriend or as a friend or as a 1human being – I do not care about the context.

I am fighting a lonely battle with depression but the thought of someone accepting me is very comforting. The thought that at least one person truly understands me. When I think about him and his last email to me, it really does not feel like I am fighting alone anymore.

I would like to explain the meaning of a sentence I wrote yesterday : “I became the person that knows the least about myself.”

For 19 years, I have never tried to understand or listen to myself. I do not know who Mina is without her education, her looks, her boyfriends, her friends and her parents. Those things I have wrote DEFINES me as a person for 19 years. I became accustomed into thinking that without them or those things, Mina does not exist.

I have always been so harsh on myself, saying so many terrible things that I would never say to anyone but I say it to myself most of the time. My ex boyfriend of 4 months knows Mina better than Mina, even you, Anita. A kind stranger from the other side of the world, we never even met but you already knows Mina more than Mina knows about herself.

I never listen to myself, I realise that. I always see the worse in me, when people always try to see the best in me.

That is why a simple break up shook up my entire identity, I had an identity crisis because I never knew who I was in the first place. Mina is always been about being someones boyfriend, someones daughter, someones friend, and someones student. To tell you frankly, I still do not know who Mina is very well. I am trying to get to know myself, taking a break for a bit. Trying to use this time of  my “depression” to explore and heal.

To figure out … who is Mina? I also realise that being depressed gives me a lot of space and time to think about myself. My future. I listen more to myself, I try to express myself truthfully and only surround myself with the people that I truly like because pretending is very tiring. I can go to school wearing anything, because I do not care about what anyone says anymore. I do not care If I lose a few “friends” during this period as well.

I am filtering out people. I am filtering out everything in my life that is worth keeping or needs to be thrown away.

Being alone is a comfort to me as well. I realise how I haven’t been alone with myself for a very very long time.

-Mina