Hi Anita,

Thanks for the time taken as usual to help me out here!

When I read this bit

“If he was to see his situation clearly, he would have to … clearly see that his parents were dishonest with him, self serving, manipulating him to serve their interest, to his detriment.”

I felt the ouch from this statement and I can imagine that my ex would not take to this very well as he holds his parents in very high regard. It reminds me that I did mention this bit to him before about how his parents are not taking into account his needs.. that why are they sacrificing his needs for his sister? Are his needs any less important? Why are they expecting and allowing one child’s needs to be fulfilled at the expense of another? And he just shrugged his shoulders when I highlighted this to him.

Maybe that is why it is so much easier for him to continue in his misery than to even accept this fact. Too distressing like you said. It would crush his idea of his parents.. crush his world and all the beliefs he had.

Thinking about this, I realise I do not have a lot of details of how his growing years were and perhaps there were more of such instances from when he was younger. Alot of damage to be undone. sigh.

Rationally, I can understand, accept and agree with this point that “[I am] preventing suffering in [my] life when [I] don’t get involved in a situation like this.” and I will not want to get involved at this point in time.

But there is this part of me that wonders.. about the other aspect of loving someone which is wanting to be with them through thick and thin. And it kind of feels like a very practical decision to run while I still can (“better prevent what is possible to prevent”) which I am trying to reconcile with the bit about loving someone. It feels a little wrong to me somehow.

I mean if he was abusive, or there was something fundamentally wrong with our relationship, then yes I have zero doubts about running while I still can. Like my previous relationships when it ended, I have zero qualms about shutting the door tight and not wanting to ever be with them again. Just that in this instance, I felt there was nothing fundamentally wrong with us.

So I guess right now, I can accept the current situation in that it is not right for us to be together now. I am moving along with my life, making plans for myself and I am cautious about not “overly investing time and energy waiting for people to change”. I reread your replies earlier and this part stood out for me again. That I have to be mindful of this trap not to overly invest time in waiting for him and I will not put my life on hold for him.

But I still have some hope in me.. that one day things will work out for us. Sometimes I envision that maybe one day, maybe a few years down the road.. I will return to this thread and tell you Anita, we have worked things out, he has overcome his issues and we are getting married kind of thing.

And I wonder. .is it all that bad to have this hope? I thought as long as it does not impair my functioning and I am open to other experiences and possibilities, not putting my life on hold.. it is alright?