Dear Monica:

Let’s say you find yourself thinking of him, missing him, worrying about him, wondering about him, etc., – this means your focus is on him. Your mental attention (your thoughts and emotions) are about him. Shifting your focus means that you turn your mental attention to you.

Let’s look at reality:  say Monday 10 am you are thinking: poor Gyunnie, he must be suffering right now. He must be overwhelmed with his study load, and thinking about the upcoming military service… and that he lost one year and ….- it is you, Monday 10 am experiencing pain. At that moment, Monday 10 am, Gyunnie might be joyful, or totally focused on his studying… or in the bathroom, otherwise engaged, or he may be thinking: I am so relieved that I am not dating, life is so much easier!

When you think and feel pain over his pain, it is not his pain you are experiencing, it is your pain. You are the one hurting at that moment. Realizing this, you changed your focus. You think: oh, it is me who is feeling pain. What can I do to help myself?

Pain is pain is pain. Your pain is not less painful than Gyunnie’s when he feels it. It needs to be relieved. Focus on how to relieve your own pain when you feel it.

Does this help? Let me know.

anita