Anita,

Yes, I hope so as well.

I hope that I can make it through, really. It is my sincerest hope.

Ever since I talked to my parents and Gyunnie, I have been feeling quite … free.

I think that for 4 months, I was not able to say anything, hiding it all inside from him and my parents,

and expressing myself to them kind of set me free in a sense. Do you understand?

I feel … different, Anita.

Yes, it is still hard and very painful but somehow, I do not feel like I am alone anymore.

Which is weird. Because all these time I feel like I was.

I felt like I was dying, that I was on the edge of life everyday but these days .. it is surprisingly (pleasantly) bearable.

Mainly due to my parents support, I realise that as well.

I am coming back home very soon (on Nov 1st) – and I feel very happy somehow that I get to spend my birthday with my family and friends.

I feel … hope again.

A big improvement from my last condition when I talked to you.

A lot of my close friends had noticed this, they told me that I actually looked … happy.

I wouldn’t get that far and say that I am happy but I am not miserable I guess.

I feel alive, in sync with reality – I know because I still feel a sudden wave of sadness that comes from thinking about Gyunnie but it is getting less and less painful. It is just a feeling of  loss. Emptiness and loneliness.

That to me, IS the reality.

The reality is that … I am moving on.

You know, I was very sensitive when anyone put themselves as peers (same level) as Gyunnie. I do not like it when people try to put him down or think about him as someone in the same level as them, especially my guys friends who thinks that they are much better than Gyunnie.

I would get very mad and emotional, I felt like they were trying to replace Gyunnie, trying to remove him from my life.

These days, I put Gyunnie in the same level / position as my first love.

Huge improvement. I used to saw him as God but right now, he is just someone that I used to love very much, just like how much I loved my first love.

How I feel about my first love is still very important, it became my “guide” I guess.

I still treasure and appreciate my first love, even years after we had broke up, and I realise that even after my first love, I was able to love Gyunnie as deeply as I loved my first love, just in different ways.

I am sure in the future too, I will be able to do the same thing.

-Monica