I do have a sexual past. But this is the reason why I feel so bad. I’ve never had a girlfriend before but I have paid for sex (This is why I feel so bad for judging). That’s my only sexual experience.

I’m very jealous. I’m jealous because I don’t feel all that special being her nth boyfriend. I’m very jealous cause I didn’t meet her earlier in my life. I’m jealous that all the names she calls me and the things we say to each other she has been through multiple times. She calls me “cutie”. I look at her instagram in the past, she has called her ex’s “cutie”. It’s so hard trusting that all of it is real. She has fallen in love many times.

I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never had to call someone babe, or do special things for someone. Every time she does special things for me, I wonder how many times she has done that before. I wonder every day if she really finds me attractive, or staying with me because I’m nice, safe, and have my life together. Nice and safe, because she knows someone like me would never cheat, lie, and have a promising future. It’s true, I can never cheat and I’ve given up lying for good.

I wonder everyday if I’m just a big rebound from all the wrong “attractive” guys she has been with.

I guess my ego wants to feel special. My ego wants to know there is something special about me.

I guess all of this, is just me having so much trouble I can be attractive to someone other than what I can provide. It’s just so painful to think that could be the case. It makes me just breakdown and cry.