Anita,

I think I have mentioned it before that I confirmed his feelings for me by asking my other best friend.

I cannot ask him directly so I asked his best friend, and his best friend said that he does like me, it is just that right now he has no thoughts of “pursuing” it further since I was very focused on Gyunnie, and I make it obvious to everyone.

Almost everyone (close friends) knows that I broke up with someone and it was a very hard break up for me mentally.

Jake is not stupid to just confess everything and ruin what we “have” right now.

He knows very well that I want to marry very early and I want to date someone that is better than Gyunnie in the future as well.

Gyunnie is smarter and a lot more open minded compared to him, Jake is aware of this.

I am sure you remember about how I talked about Gyunnie like he is a God, I talked to everyone about Gyunnie like that as well, so they become emotionally invested in Gyunnie because they saw him through MY perspective.

I keep putting on the emphasis that I want to marry early and I know that he does not want to rush into marriage, so there are a lot of factors preventing him from confessing and asking me to be his girlfriend. We are very close so he knows that I will probably reject him at this point.

I know that I have to be straight forward and ask him someday.

But I am sure you know the consequences of asking and confronting him is losing him as my best friend.

Is it really worth it? I do not know.

I can sense that you feel frustrated since I have not been able to ask him directly about this, but I am not ready to lose a friend and have another change in my life.

For 4 months, my life = change.

Change is tiring and change does not always makes things better.

I know that I have to be fair and make it clear that we will never get together ever, but not now.

Maybe next year or basically when I am ready to lose a best friend like him in my life.

It is a status quo kind of situation, and you are welcome to call me “selfish” but after all I have been through, I need some stability in my life. I do not have the intention to keep this vague situation forever, someday, definitely probably next year I will talk to him about this and give him a choice to leave or to continue being my friends and only friends.

I hope you can understand, Anita.

—

This is completely unrelated to Jake but yesterday I had a very vivid dream,

I was in a classroom, I cannot really tell if it was during my high school or middle school period, but inside the classroom, there was a mix of my high school classmates and middle school classmates.

The classmates that I am very close to, people that accepts me as a human being.

It was during a music class, the teacher told one of my 2 friends, Natasha and Lyla to sing a song in front of the class, they sang a song that I can still remember even now since it was so vivid, but

No one including me were listening to their singing because we were busy preparing ourselves (by secretly reading books) underneath our table for the next exams. Memorising the things from the book and giggling.

I was seated next to my long time best friend Jessica on my left, on my right there is a guy from my middle school that I cannot remember his name somehow, and next to that guy was my first love, Ryan.

Natasha started to yell at us for not listening to her singing, me and Ryan we exchanged glanced,

and Ryan smiled at me.

The kind of smile that is so … genuine and understanding. It is like he is telling me that everything is going to be ok.

I have not seen or talk to Ryan in 3 years, the closest thing we got as a communication is through Instagram, we follow each other since around 2015/16, when he made a new account and his old acc got hacked, I was one of the first account that he followed on his new account.

Sometimes I heard about him through mutual friends and we like each other pictures but nothing more.

I notice that I will only dreams about Ryan when I feel really lonely, usually 2-3 times every year and every dreams is very intense and vivid.

They are comforting and took me back to the time and place that I want to go back the most.

The time when I was around 15/16, dating my first love, preparing my national exam, fighting with my best friends, fighting with my old math teacher, practicing for my cheerleading competition, crying over silly things, eating chicken and ice cream with Jessica in the old canteen, went to my boyfriend`s soccer match, having all my best friends held a surprise party for me during a computer class … yes, my life then must have been not perfect either but I can remember myself being happy 80 percent of the time when I was 15/16.

I will give time every single of my money if it can take me back there for only one day.

I cannot imagine how desperate my unconscious state or mind that I dream about it. I do not dream usually and when I dream it is usually weird and does not make any sense at all so I forgot about it pretty quick.

But those kind of dreams … they remind as if it had happened yesterday to me.

Will I be THAT happy again in my life, Anita?

Will I be able to somehow get back to that kind of life?

Life where I do not have any friends problems, life where I only need to worry about my math exams and getting into Ryans soccer match on time, a life where I feel like it is ok to be imperfect because being imperfect is happiness to me.

Right now, I have to think about my future husband, a husband that my parents approve of and someone that I love as well, I have to think about my responsibilities as an adult and contribute to society somehow. I have to think about earning money and a job.

I hate being put into that role … I hate being an adult.

I feel like I am not ready.

I missed my school days very much, sometimes I cry inside seeing students wearing uniform, they cannot imagine how lucky they are to have that privilege. I wish to be them everyday.

-Monica