thanks so much for your comments.

@coconut: yea on the one hand i think, hey i deserve someone’s 1000% attention and love. but on the other hand i think, no one will ever be able to put up with my extreme behaviour if i don’t change it. after all i had the same problems over and over again. even with guys who can show their feelings and do everything for me, it didn’t stop me from being overly jealous and controlling. it just got worse to be honest. because it’s like i’m constantly testing the boundaries. and ironically this is what my bf tells me. he says i’m constantly pushing his boundaries. and it’s true, i really did/do that, i think subconsciously i do that to see if he still stays. and if he does then (in my twisted mind) it means it’s real. and i think, he might not sacrifice as much as my previous bfs, but in his world maybe everything he does, means a lot. like his big steps are only baby steps for me maybe!? i don’t know.. oh regarding the family and kids thing. i really don’t need to have it right now. yes i said it to comfort him but i meant it too.

@anita: yes i was trying to find out where the fear stems from. i was thinking, you can’t be scared of “love” this is not possible? you must be scared of getting hurt when you love. after all when you open up, there is a chance that you will get hurt. when he was in my country, everything was pretty easy for both of us. nothing triggered my old fears/insecurities so i was pretty confident about the relationship. and i guess it was the same for him. it was easy because we just dated, knowing he would leave in a few months, no expectations. but at the end we decided to try it. he did want a relationship and give it a try.

oh another thing. back then i asked him several times why can’t you do this and that for me, why can’t you show me more love etc. and he said something like “yea and if i do all of that, you will get bored and you will leave me”. so i thought maybe he had bad experiences with opening his  heart for a girl only for the girl to become uninterested. and i have to admit, i used to be like that too. the more “proof” i got that someone loved me, the more uninterested i became. it’s so ironic, that i almost think, it’s indeed good that he is like that. life is strange.

@lost_star: thank you so much for your comment! you must be right about this. i have yet to google it, but it sounds exactly like me and him. and i even said it several times to him. i said it’s so strange i need something specific to feel good, when i don’t get it i get anxious. but that specific thing that i need is causing HIM anxiety. so i get mad and stress him, he withdraws and i get even more mad. it’s like a cycle. so i try to work on myself now and see how everything changes maybe. trying to break that cycle. we’ll see. i definitely need hobbies and to take care of my friendships more. i always rely on my bf to make me happy and spend his entire time with me and i think that’s not right.

the thing about this whole thing, why i definitely want to stay is, i’m sure that no one will put up with my behaviour if i don’t change, i know that i’m in the wrong too.  i try to look at it as a chance to change. like a challenge for my personal growth. i just need help and suggestions how to do it.