Thank you so much Anita.

You’re correct with what you say … efforts to not feel pain are incongruent with my values.

I was reading your reply and your take on my Mum, I never ever thought about it like that … it feels so accurate.

Even for me to face porn addiction was huge, like any addiction its not something that you tend to talk about openly … taboo subject. Looking at females as sexual objects, and using sex as a way to avoid pain is vicious.

I’ve got a lot to offer someone, i’m a Cat Dad too 🙂 … I was determined that after breaking up with my ex GF that I wasn’t going to let this ruin my life anymore. I was going to face the pain head on, and even when I meditate using guided meditations I can sit with my feelings and just allow them to wash over me. Society just expects you to deal with grief and get on with things, especially when working in London, you can’t show any weakness. The only person I could really talk to about my feelings was my Aunt who died last year as she was a psychiatrist … so she could pull me out of my head.

I have good days and bad days, but more good now. I try to choose love over fear each day … but I find that if I drink or do drugs on a weekend I fall back a little emotionally. I only tend to have a wild night once every few months, but it does set me back even at that … i’m trying to say yes to more things to get new experiences, where as before I had crazy anxiety levels. Self worth was so low, and I felt like I was the ugliest person in the World … trying to be kinder to who I am. As long as I stay true to my values I will be ok. trying to deal with the shame of past mistakes … I can’t let them govern how my life will be moving forward.

You meet someone who thinks you don’t care for them at all, but you actually loved them more than anything but you are so wrapped up in yourself and just trying to survive on an emotional level. fight or flight mode.