Hi Eliana … thank you so much for sharing your background with me.

How are things with you now?

The moving around was a huge problem, even when I recently bought my first home, I noticed that in 5 years I had stayed at 8 different addresses, across London and Glasgow. Especially when I stayed in London, I was able to put all my stuff in a box.

That along with my history of moving as a kid meant staying in one place and being present in the moment was not the NORM. I felt like I was dying if I stayed anywhere longer than a few years, even with jobs. In my head it was just saying Runnnn! My Aunt helped me with the deposit to my property and she kept telling me I needed a safe base. I knew myself I couldnt keep running.

Secondly, I never believed in marriage for a long time as I saw how unhappy my Mum was in various relationships. I promised myself I would never end up like that. It wasn’t until I saw two of my close friends get married where I was like that was beautiful. I’ve come to accept to relationships aren’t perfect, they constantly need looked after, much like a delicate flower … and they will only grow if and flourish if you give it the right love and attention. Even up to the start of this year, I was so unhappy … I struggled to eat properly, wash myself and even look after my home … the small things. It was always easier to blame the relationship with my ex as she was closest to me, or to blame my job for how I felt. Just taking time to take stock and see where the thoughts come from and having that awareness of the triggers helps me. I’ve got a little ragdoll kitten called Ivor Lebowski who I love dearly, he always needs cared for so I know I owe it to him to get my $hit together so to speak.

Its hard, and not everyone understands … just realizing you’re not broken is a big help too. I was at the buddhist centre here … and the speaker mentioned something that really hit home with me, she said where has worrying ever benefited you, you are worth the World as you are right now. I could feel light in my heart, for the very first time in many many years I felt whole. I felt happy.

I’m trying to stretch that feeling out so it gets longer and longer, day by day. It takes practice. I need to let go of my past mistakes and decisions. It hurts me how not only have I treated others but how I treated myself.