Anita,

I’ve thought about what you said and you’re right. I chose not to look at his negative actions or negative words – I chalked them up to the fact that he was going through a painful/angry divorce and was simply going through emotions. I told myself that if he wanted to talk about those emotions, he would. I would occasionally ask, but I trusted that because we were “friends” he would open up if needed.

I can recall a time that he called me to tell me “thank you for caring…” it was moments like this which made me believe in our friendship. But looking back, during moments when I was having a “meltdown” he would offer support in that moment but then become distant for weeks after unless the conversation was about sex.

I ignored all of these things because I did not want to truly believe he was just using me. I did not want to believe he was being deceitful and lying to me, just like when we were younger. I did not want to believe these things. Basically I did not want to believe that I had gotten myself in to this situation all over again.

How can I cope with these feelings of disappointment in myself?  How can I cope with these feelings of being used and tossed away like a piece of garbage? How can I cope with these feelings of shame/embarrassment?  How can I cope with these feelings of jealousy (I’m embarrassed to admit that, but it’s true) over the fact that he told me we couldn’t have lunch because he didn’t know where it was going with this other person and didn’t want to mess it up with her/hurt her, but hurting me was of no thought to him?  That stings, so much.

He was so angry and hostile with me that day. That truly hurt.

What’s super strange is that even though I feel this way, I think about him and this new woman and I think, “Oh, she would be so good for him.  She’s SO nice, EVERYONE adores her, she has a great heart, she’s silly and fun and genuine…he should be with someone like that it would be so good for him, it would make him so happy to have that light in his life…”  Even though I feel this hurt and this jealousy I also feel that I want him for him to be happy.