What an odd thing to go through. I feel like I’ve been made to look at aversion for a long while. So long that even my speech comes out wrong at times. Like I’m looking down at a clear bag full of water, and a few droplets continously flow from my eyes. The aversion part comes from the way the droplets roll outward to the edges. I’ve been made to feel that’s all I’ll ever know, and the images I want are behind it. Now when I go outside the concepts flow from my mind to wherever they began. I know I have a hard time letting go, but I am a hard headed sort, so I look at this sort of thing like a break.

I started to think a bit differently after October 16th, but the reasons are hard to explain. Like I felt that was where I should be. I wasn’t. I was still going through a bit of recurring shock.

On July 2nd, I might have walked through a terror scare. As I passed through there, I felt like I was under a spotlight, and the police cruisers (4 of them) looked to me like they were getting ready to jump me. I used to have a spot that I liked watching the sunset in the evening, but this changed that. I gave a high five to a bear paw in the sky the evening before and realized that might’ve been a mistake. Cold, shivers, low energy, and probably low blood pressure. I couldn’t even go out on the 3rd.

On October 28th, I got hit with a second shock. This was where I felt the missed oppourtunity of the 16th, and it hit me with a psychic shock. I relived one of my earliest traumas, and felt the shift from now till then. There was however a second shift too . This one I didn’t anticipate. It became clear my troubles originated when I used to have an old windows xp computer. My dreams shifted one night, and one stood out. I won’t speak of it, because its clear it has roots in today’s politics, and its clear there would be more trouble than I need bother with. The 16th made clear that all the neighbors gossip so much that I sit in a toxic environment still dealing with the conversations I had all those years ago on windows live, and facebook. My neighbors now, were talking to me then through a system that pings when I am online. That facebook account I closed due to health reason, but in truth I didn’t like the person I was becoming.

Yesterday, I hit a third much more soft shock. Nothing too major. Just a chill, and cold hands. I was already on the mend when I spotted the back of her head, and wouldn’t you know it my heart soared. This time I know I can go my own way, and I seem to be considering ways to let her back in so I can be here long enough to consider my life when I’m 80.

Now to see if she still sees my words, I think I should mention the documentary of John Lennon I watched the other day. I was surprised to hear his sentences sounded like mine every now and then. That slight loss of focus, but still unified in meaning. It was beautiful to consider the similarities. I’m even considering staying in my toxic environment to enjoy putting my feet up with a woman in a place like home.