Dear Jenny Lynn:

You wrote:  “Your just supposed to know…its implied type thing. I was alone a very large majority of my childhood”- no one to sit with you, look in your eyes, talk to you, ask you gently, about what you feel, listen to you, smile at you, smile approvingly, letting you know that you are seen, that you are understood, that what you feel matters, that he/she will do something significant about what bothers you, toward a solution, therefore a problem in your life can and will be resolved. When you feel scared, that someone will take you into her arms, and feeling her warmth, your fear settles… that is expressed love.

There is only one kind of love, the expressed kind.

When you get that kind of love, as a child, you experience safety in the togetherness with the person loving you. That safety, that togetherness will last as you spend time alone. Then you will need more together time.

And so, with your boyfriend, same thing- need the safe, together time and then need alone time. It is both, not one or the other. The together time with your boyfriend should be a time when each one of you sees the other, understand each other, communicate to each other that what each feels matters and solutions to problems are possible and attended to.

And then each needs alone time. Followed by together time, later.

You wrote: “I like to keep the stories of the things that happen to me light because honestly if I told them for what they were it could get pretty dark. And even being a depressed person I am still a good time. I hate being a downer if I can help it”-

how about (outside the context of a party or going out or relaxing after work or watching TV and such) avoiding these two extremes: making light of everything and getting pretty dark?

The middle way would be to share your thoughts and feelings responsibly, honestly, avoiding excess on both extremes, you can try this middle way next, if you would like.

anita