Hello anita,

I am wondering, if you imagine right now ending all contact with your mother -what kinds of thoughts go through your mind?

I haven’t formally formulated this thinking so I will give you my “fragmented thoughts”

1) immense and deep sadneses

-the first thought that comes to mind, is sad – very sad. something like this: ” my poor mother suffered a terrible life since she came to America, she dealt with abuse from family and others, and her focus then was me – yes it is toxic and has continued to be in adulthood – but she relies on that so much to the point she cried a month ago when I left.” how could I hurt her like this.

then my mind goes here: yes shes abusive, but shes damaged – so cutting off contact from her leads to more damage to her. yes but it’s not my job to endure abuse for her sake…

she lives for this – she has her own life now yes, she travels, and is not a dependent disabled person – but the idea of losing her daughter is crippling to her…to the point that when she felt she was “losing me” even over the last year bc of her delusions related to my in laws – she was besides herself.

I do not expect her to understand at all what she has done to me and her sister.  she does not have the capacity and she is ill and insane.  so trying to explain it and hoping she will change is not an option. in fact, as she gets older she has gotten worse – and I’m sure will continue into elderly age as both the brain and body deteriorate.  so no contact would be for me – no explanation would justify it to her. 

she would likely get our whole extended family involved, maybe even end up hospitalized due to deep despair, hysteria, and psychosis related to the idea of “losing me”

so where does that leave me…?