Hello lovely sister and anita,

Anita, thank you for sharing that you have a sister as well. It touched both my sister and I.

When my sister is within contact of my mother, she regresses and essentially becomes “crazy”again. When my sister was in India, wedding shopping with my parents, her husband called me and was extremely upset and worried. He mentions how he has PTSD type symptoms from when my sister regresses again – and now that she is in India with them, he feels that she is regressing and he does not know how to deal with it anymore.

More so than us, in this situation, like you had mentioned to me, is about the abuse of the other person. He does not deserve this. I, myself, of course am also suffering – however, when my sister regresses she also hurts me. Her husband and I am on the same page with this and I would love to find a solution to stop this from happening.

I can say here honestly, because my sister knows this herself, and we now, anita (even though we have no idea who you essentially are!) feel close to you as well. I want to find a way for my sister to stop being so affected by the interactions (I am affected by interactions as well. – but for me they make me cry, angry, sad, upset etc. I do not regress completely at least). I want her to stop for herself, but also for me. Because of these influences my sister and I have, sometimes my sister is unable to just be my sister. She wants to take control of all situations in my life it seems or always has an opinion. I understand she is taking care of me. I truly love you for that sister! BUT – I need to live my own life. And sometimes my mother’s voice in my sister does not allow my sister to let me just live. Her response to this will be – well you need help, you have severe problems etc. She will say, “well i can’t just sit here when in the past this, this, and this has happened.” Yes, I do. But hey, I am across the country by myself with my doctorate…and hey i am still breathing. So can’t be THAT bad right?! I am actually doing pretty ok and on my path to recovery. My parents have always made me feel so damaged and worthless. However, although my sister always tells me it is not true, when she consistently gives me advice or tells me about my flaws etc, it is reinforcing the same thing my parents did. That is how it feels. I would like if I would be able to talk to my sister about something and her just listen. Not feel the need to save me. I am not my mother.  I am smart, strong, and kind. I will be ok. I just want a sister sometimes. Not added pressure all the time. I already have that from my parents. I truly believe as my sister is able to immerse herself more into these feelings etc, she will be able to work on this type of relationship with us too.

As a side point, I have also seen my sister do a similar thing to her husband. He will describe something, perhaps a feeling or issue about life, she immediately takes the role of the problem-solver/therapist. And it is obvious that he is perhaps not in need of that in that moment. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is hard for my sister to let people just breathe. We both do not understand the concept of time – that time is important. And maybe she can say her advice in a few days.

I did not mean to make this post about me. But I figured, Anita, it would give you more insight into our situation and how my mother’s voice also affects the relationship between my sister and I. (and of course with all others, but that is not the point right now).