anita,

I also wanted to add that since my mother has told me i am so damaged, i have an even increased pressure to be social and make friends. she has made making friends such a big focus and priority to me that i may even focus more on it that studying for an exam that is important for my career.

i wanted to touch on this because it is very interesting to see and differentiate the emphasis my mother has put on friends when it comes to me and my sister.

“i never had friends. make sure you do. it is not good for other people to see you are lonely. maybe when you go to college you can actually make friends. oh, you have no one to hang out with? oh did you go there alone. you have no friends.”

SO MUCH EMPHASIS on finding people and making sure i have friends. i may have written this before but when our cleaning lady came every Tuesday growing up – my mother would put an insane amount of pressure on me to make sure taylor or rachel were free to come over. “make sure you have a friend when maria comes over. or else it will look bad.” so there i was, scrambling, desperately asking people if they could hang out with me – because i HAD to. not because i wanted to. this is still drilled in me. i feel like i hAVE to. if i did not have plans on a certain night, it automatically made me a loser.

she also made me feel that not having good friendships was so HORRIBLY SAD – because “oh my, we have such great qualities and there is no one around to even appreciate it.” I used to feel like “wow, I could be such a good friend and I am so fun etc. But no one is even seeing that or able to experience it. this sucks.”

mother’s words: “oh my daughter cali chica always had so many friends. cali chica is outgoing and laughs so much. cali sister, yeah she has problems with that”

i always felt like the weird one. the ugly one. the quiet one that no one likes. cali chica – shes the perfect, social, queen. Me? I have “social problems”

No, I freakin’ don’t mom.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by cali sister.