anita,

i have distinct memories of me growing up, and even now of course, when i go to tell my parents something about myself and they keep talking, change the subject, or there is just silence. so you are absolutely correct in saying that you know me more than them. they truly know nothing about me. i used to always think “if i died today, what would they even say about me. how would they describe me?”

i sit here at my work desk right now and feel very emotional. am literally tearing. i truly am not sure why. i guess sometimes we just need a good cry.

i am taking some tissues and i am thinking. ok how do i feel right now? – i feel overwhelmed, alone, lonely, confused, anxious, back pain, wishing why i didn’t feel this way. i am seeing one of my favorite comedians tonight. why am i crying?

I was doing better with not letting men consume my daily life etc. I saw Alex two days ago. I enjoy the time we have together when we are together. i know he does too. But i dont know why i continue to see him if i know it cannot last. it is painful. and i am almost 87% sure he does not care as much as me. i am an attractive, fun girl to him. it is not as deep for him, i believe. after the last time we hung out, i called him and just told him how i felt. i said could he ever see himself being wtih me? he said, “to be honest, i can see something happening between us, but i am hesitant to start something because i am leaving in 3 months. i like you and enjoy spending time with you.” I said, “i understand, because I myself will also probably be leaving. but then whats the point in even continuing?” He said, “to have fun?” I know he cares for me more than just a “hook up” (i apologize if that sounds vulgar) – and trust me i am in NO WAY engaging in the full deal with him (haha! here comes the no sugar coat). I know that for sure with this guy. But i think he just IS. whereas i am not. i cannot be.

I was going to go on a trip with him this weekend. I said no – I knew it wouldn’t be good for my mental state. sometimes i think of alex as the interim until i meet a guy that can give me everything i need. i dont know anita. i dont know what i am doing. but these thoughts of alex are consuming me at times.

regarding friends, my sister reminds me very often that i moved across the country so i will not have 29582 friends in 5 months. C and I have basically stopped talking in a way. I think it was understood on both parts – however, i do believe she just thinks im “the crazy one” and sees no fault of her own. she did text me yesterday and the conversation has been very superficial. what is my next step, anita? What is my next step regarding alex, men, friends? I feel just oh so confused. and troubled.