This stood out to me:

I tried to control my mood but ended up saying and behaving nasty towards him. Same thing this past friday, I said some terrible things. When I look and see him taking bumps I lose respect and admiration. Obviously I feel terrible with myself and I know it is something I need to focus on healing.

That bit reminds me of my last relationship.  We started out wonderful.  Small things would annoy me and I internalized the conflict we were having and instead of being frustrated with him, I was frustrated with me, focusing on MY bad behavior.  I was always finding fault within me, which would drown out the real issue: this man’s behavior was not in line with my own values.  Hanging out with him felt like I was violating myself, therefore I began having internal distress, and began behaving poorly/not in line with my own values.

So here is what I think I learned from that relationship.  I need to watch that I am respecting my own values.  So if I think drugs are not ok for me, I have to look at why? What are my underlying values?

Personally it is usually because they are not ok for most people because they interfere with a persons life goals and planning for living a healthy, happy lifestyle.  (I could care less tho if someone smokes pot for medicinal reasons, or does perscribed opiates). Additionally I do not respect/tolerate someone subjecting me to illegal stuff that could jeopardize my freedom to not be in jail, impound my car, or the crowd that usually comes with being around drugs.  (I refuse to visit a family member because I worry of the dealers and such that knock her door)

So, you will not have the same values I do.  You will have your own reasons why you generally feel drug use is to be avoided. Yet, imo, it starts with understanding ones values.

So here is how it relates to my last relationship.  I realized at the point that I was “bending” my values to accomodate this man…  was the same point that I was becoming “grouchy” and speaking poorly.  My behavior was a direct result of me losing my own self respect for putting up with behavior not consistent with my values.

So rather than shame myself for my grouchy and poor behavior, I wish I would have listened to it closer.  Had I listened to my behavior, I would have heard what it was telling me:  That I was not honoring my values by behaving like his behavior was “ok.”  I was growing to resent myself and the act of behaving like something was “ok,” when my heart knew it wasn’t, was causing a rift inside of me.

I was subconciously allowing this rift grow within me as I was unable to confront him with my values and reality.  So having two existing and competing realities exist in me is what caused “my mood.” I was feeling the effects of lacking internal personal integrity.